Losing The Fear of Spiders

I never felt too ashamed of my fear of spiders. After all, I was a member of a very large club. I mean, surely I am not crazy when so many others feel the same way. Of the population that would say that they are afraid of spiders, I would have definitely fallen in the top percentage as to the degree of fear I experienced in relation to spiders. I hadn't ever remembered not being afraid of spiders.

The lower half of the country was out as a possible location to live, the spiders get too big down there I figured. I really wanted to go to beautiful Hawaii to see my sister, but then I heard about the humongous wolf spiders there. “What?! They can climb walls like regular spiders? Never mind, I will see you when you come here (just check your bags before you zip them)”. If I even saw a spider in a day, I would be jumpy all day, almost neurotic, imagining every sensation I felt could be a spider on me. “The stove is on fire and the extinguisher is in the basement? Call 911, I’m not going down there into the spider pit.” Well, luckily it was never a life or death situation I had to decide on, because back then, I don’t know which way it would have gone.

I did as most do when it comes to fears. I avoided any and all situations that might put me in the path of my fear. Over the years I really noticed how restricting it was to have this phobia. The skeleton of my life plan really revolved around it. I joined the Navy instead of other military outfits I had considered with one of the weighing factors being that I would probably never wind up sleeping in a tent outside while in the Navy, where there might be the possibility of running into spiders. I don’t believe many spiders like the ocean, do they?

I attempted to at least control my reaction to the phobia when I had my two girls because I did not want to pass this on to them if I could affect that one way or the other. I remember sitting on my bed, and a gigantic grass spider got in and was running at a high rate of speed up the side of the bed. My daughter, who had no problem with spiders, pointed it out casually. I got one look at it and somehow, in one of my most helpless feeling moments was able to calmly say, “Oh, could you kill that for me?” as I nonchalantly leapt over to another high elevation piece of furniture. She may not have seen or heard the fear, but I am sure she could feel the vibrations of it exuding off of me.

It was only smoke and mirrors to try to seem unafraid. I was not working on my actual problem. While it was better for my kids not to see this horrific and unreasonable fear to its’ fullest level of animation, it was not helping me escape my bondage any. I had always believed we should portray exactly who and how we are and if it was not what we wanted to portray, then maybe it was one of those things we should be working on, but not continue and pretend to be who or how we are not.

Then, in my early 30’s, something seemingly nightmarish happened that turned out to be a blessing. My family and I moved to another state but had not secured a home first. We were to stay with a relative until we bought a home, which we were going to make sure was no more than a couple of months. My husband left it up to me to find the house. 

I found an old fixer-upper farm house, just outside of town with a huge yard for a great price, the location and potential was good, the house, not so great. We put in an offer the next day and closed on it three weeks later.  After the closing we stood outside talking for several hours to some relatives that came to visit. The sun went down and our visitors were getting ready to go. As we said our goodbyes, I turned around to head into the back door. The entire house was covered in large black spiders moving about in their webs.  Did I mention the house was white for a perfect contrast? A week before, I had dreamed I went into a cave and when I turned around to go out, the whole opening was riddled with spiders and webs. I was suddenly living that nightmare, only I now had to go into the spider cave.

We couldn’t afford to have the house professionally exterminated. The problem had gone uncontrolled for so long with the previous owners that it would take some serious time to get the population down on our own. Besides, more will always come around out in the farming area, something I had not known  or thought about in my rush to find a house. Since these spiders hid in the window and siding cracks in the daylight and came out at night, my new plan was to do everything I had to do in the day, and get into the house for the evening before sundown. I did this for several months. I began to feel angry that this was now even dictating what time I had to go in for the night. I have always been a night owl. Now I couldn’t even be that anymore?

Since it was too late to return the house, and insurance fraud was one of my more reasonable fears, I decided I had to see a way that this would not be a curse in my life. I, like the rest of us, had heard the term “face your fears” a thousand times. I never thought it necessary to apply it to a little, insignificant, common fear like this one. But now I was desperate.  I began looking at the spiders through the window every night, just for a few minutes.  Typically there were several in each window to chose from. I used to cringe looking at just a photo, but was slowly becoming comfortable looking at the real deal through the glass. It took a few weeks, but eventually I was able to hold my hand up to the glass and touch it just on the other side of the juiciest spiders. Then, I could hold my hand there even as it moved around in its web. Finally, I could leave the house at night. I had to run in and run out and I had a broom I used to clear out any possible webs before passing through either way, preferably wearing some protective gear on my head, but I was not a prisoner after dark anymore. I didn’t really notice when the phobia vanished but at some point I lost the broom, the hoods and hats and my urgency to either enter or exit the door to my house. I was free in a way I don’t ever remember being free prior to that.

What reminded me of this was that I was at my mother’s house today. I was sitting by the window and felt a tickle on my arm. I swiped the back of my arm and a fairly good sized spider fell to the floor. No adrenaline rushes. No heebie jeebies. It just happened and then it was over. I could just continue on as normal. How freeing is that?

They say that fear is the greatest motivator. I am not one of those who believe in being totally fearless. I believe caution is wise in all we do. Some things should inspire fear of the consequences should there be any . The question is what is the worst thing that could happen if I leap into its path? Because, no doubt, you leap in the path of anything enough times, fear will diminish. The more important question is what will I miss out on, what will I never have if I allow this phobia to persist? The funny thing is, if you allow yourself to focus on that for a few minutes setting the actual phobia aside, many times you will find that the fear of missing out on what your phobia restricts you from, is much greater than the phobia itself which could help you redirect your fear energy . Believe me, being the youngest of several children and forced to go into the house before dark every night as an adult turned out to be much more frightening than spiders.

While my experience with spiders may seem like a small feat, you should consider this. The emotion of fear is the same emotion whether you are feeling it toward a tiny spider or about giving a speech in front of a crowd of a hundred thousand people. Depending on the person and the level of fear they have these two scenarios could be exactly the same. So no matter what the fear is you are fighting, you are still exercising the same muscle within yourself.

I believe that fear is always moving. It is either coming or going. You hear about people who first fear large crowds, then the presence of people all together and then they won’t leave the house, then their room and so on. Keep tabs on all the things you fear and flex where necessary. Freedom is king.